Silence: Why We Choose It… or Do We?
According to a law group specializing in Sexual Assault Justice in Glendale, California, there are reasons people, men and women, do not report sexual abuse. We know we should but the reasons to stay silent are real. Here’s what they say:
The Top 10 Reasons People Do Not Report Sexual Abuse
1. Fear of retaliation
2. Shame
3. Reported an incident to an official who did nothing
4. Not significant enough to report
5. Belief that the police could/would not do anything to help
6. Did not want to get offender in trouble with the law
7. Did not want family or friends to know
8. Fear of the justice system
9. Feel the crime was not “serious enough” / fear of lack of evidence
10. Feel that too much time has passed
Here’s a game –
How many reasons on this list have you used to stay silent?
Janet: I’ve used every one of the Top 10 at one time or another. When I think of each circumstance, it all boils down to #1. Will the law do anything more than snicker about the Peeping Tom who ejaculated on our back door? My husband has too much power in the community and it would be foolish for me to report it, right?
I can handle it on my own. I can complain to my friends and they can sympathize with me.
Marie: Married to a man who can lie smoothly and steal from his clients to continue his drug habit , surely there were also some terrible moments in the Murdaugh family. Just because they’re all smiling and well-dressed in pictures doesn’t mean the cabinets weren’t torn off the hinges, in the kitchen, at home.
If you’ve ever seen a drug addict craving their drug, as Alex Murdaugh certainly was, you know they can be cruel. They can verbally shred you. They can lie to your face with a gentle smile - this too is abuse.
Maggie Murdaugh didn’t report anything, and according to Sophie Hanson @ Stylecaster.com (https://stylecaster.com/alex-murdaugh-now), she only talked to her sister shortly before her husband killed her and her young son. After that, she decided the best course of action was to be quiet. Her husband’s legal team requested the jury to ignore the abuse issues. It’s not a logical assertion that if you tell, your husband will kill you, but some of us fear that very thing.
One thing is for sure, Maggie’s story, as told by her, will never be heard.
If the 10 Reasons are as common as we think, the next question is, how can we support speaking up?
Janet: I kept my rape a secret from my parents for 20 years. Years later, at a High School reunion lunch, I told my 70-year-old girlfriends about the date rape I stopped. He was the friend of a brother of one of our group. It made a difference to hear their stories and how our families handled the news in the ’60s. Then, we never talked because our reputations could be trashed.
When I told my mother right before she died, she didn’t react like I thought she would. Instead, she told me about her rape in the back of a truck and how she kept it secret all her life. And how it changed her view of herself – unworthy and desperate to show the world, she was worthy, desirable, sexy, talented, and valuable.
Orange Blossom Queen 1946
Ina Mae Redmond
I wonder how it might have been for her to publish her story.
In an editorial by Aia Jaber published by The Medium, she writes:
It is never okay to question a victim’s choice to not speak out.
November 29, 2021
https://themedium.ca/why-some-victims-of-sexual-violence-choose-to-remain-quiet/
“Victims of abuse are incredibly powerful. I do believe that those who live each day with this immense amount of trauma are heroes. They are very much my own; both those who choose to remain silent or feel able to share their stories. To those who’ve gotten justice finally, or in the pursuit of such, thank you for inspiring and strengthening so many victims. Please do not feel rushed to voice your stories and experiences, but please know that you are worth hearing.”
We know not everyone feels the need to write or share. What made the difference for us was writing our stories. It was a strong stand to be heard, in a poem, in a short story, written with names, pseudonyms, or anonymity has the power of community that begins healing the soul tearing fear we felt.
Silent Voices Are Silent No More
If you want to write your story and find yourself stuck in thinking you can’t write, contact us at mpjp@oursilentvoice.com. We can help with a workshop, personal writing coaching, or editing.
To buy our first book, go online to your local bookstore and Amazon.com. One reader said “This powerful book brings light to how trauma happens at every age, in every country, in every culture, and helps you find that you are not alone. It inspires you to take pen to paper and write your own story, no matter how ugly or uncomfortable, and to start your own journey to realizing that it does not control you, that you are not defined by it.”
https://www.amazon.com/Our-Silent-Voice-Break-Silence
Is honesty a characteristic in everyone? Maybe it’s not so. Have you ever experienced a person with no capacity for honesty? It’s a question we’ve asked and most responses were yes. What have you experienced? Comments are welcome.
You can hear about the movement, the book, and our unique stand to break the silence in our Newsletter.