Consent: Didn’t They Say No?
Consent is defined as: An agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity. Consent should be clearly and freely communicated, verbal, and an affirmative expression of respect of each other’s boundaries.
Janet: While researching this blog, I read an article on the Rainn website. It’s a rich source of information on the subjects Our Silent Voice writes about.
As I read about consent, I laughed at the absurdity in my first marriage. We rarely had a conversation as an “expression of respect of each other’s boundaries.” When I tried to express said respect, he pointed out how repressed I was; “cold & frigid” were the words he used when I talked about what I suggested as limits, the 70’s word for boundaries.
If I said, “I have a headache,” a lame excuse to escape the daily obligation of intercourse, I might end up on my stomach, head pressed on the bed, while he slapped and took what we wanted from my body. He called it “fun.”’
That first marriage was punctuated by scoring good, bad, and not enough.
Consent was a joke.
Marie: What would it look like if we taught our children that consent is a good thing?
In 5th grade, one day I asked my mother what the word ‘rape’ meant. After a long silent pause and a sigh, she asked “Why do you want to know about that word?”
“It’s in a book I’m reading for school called To Kill A Mockingbird.”
Mom said “It’s when a man does something to a woman’s body that she doesn’t like, that he should not do.” Her voice trailed off as she scribbled distractedly – (probably ‘talk with school teacher…’).
On her next sigh, it was clear the subject was closed.
What a great moment that could have been to open up a conversation about consent. My mom loved me and did the best she could with the knowledge and experience that she had. She raised me the way she had been raised, and her mother before her. No one ever told us that it would be okay to defend ourselves, to say NO. Later, much later in life I learned.
In my family, we hug and we perceive that as warmth and affection. Not everyone feels this way. I had to learn this, and now, if I feel swept up in feelings of support and compassion, I don’t swoop in for a hug; I ask first. Simply, “Can I give you a hug?”. It’s respect. It’s consent. Simple.
And a very good start.
RAINN'S MISSION
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) is the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization. RAINN created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE, online.rainn.org y rainn.org/es) in partnership with more than 1,000 local sexual assault service providers across the country and operates the DoD Safe Helpline for the Department of Defense. RAINN also carries out programs to prevent sexual violence, help survivors, and ensure that perpetrators are brought to justice.
True Consent is Given Voluntarily
Coercion describes any attempt to control your behavior with threats of manipulation. When someone won’t accept “No” and continues to try to convince you to change your mind about engaging sexually.
Janet: Consent can and does naturally occur in relationships. In both my second and third marriage, consent and free communication about sex was communicated. It’s mutual and frankly I can’t imagine it to be any other way.
Consent is, communication every step of the way. “Don’t just assume your partner is comfortable with actions.” If they are unsure or they stay silent it does not mean yes.
In an article titled “What consent does-and doesn’t -look like” on https://www.loveisrespect.org/, (a webpage that gives you a Quick Exit button and a warning that your browser history can be seen by others) is worth looking into.
What is “not” consent, is how we dress, flirting, accepting a ride, a gift or a drink. Neither is not saying “yes” or not saying no, stop, or “cut it out.”
Regardless of what happened, know that you are not alone. To speak with someone who is trained to help, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or chat online at online.rainn.org. You will receive confidential, judgment-free support from a trained support specialist and information about local services that can assist you with next steps.
Marie: It’s exciting to learn that there are community outreach programs that address this. As a former president of the board, I’m really proud to say that Scarsdale Family Counseling is partnering with A CALL TO MEN, an organization whose mission it is to promote a world where all genders are loving and respectful. Here’s a quote from their website, www.allcalltomen.org:
“Healthy, respectful manhood means valuing and respecting women, girls, LGBTQ, Trans and non-binary people – and respecting and valuing oneself by living authentically.” Again, a very good start.
Most importantly, everyone has a right to their own body and to feel comfortable in their intimate relationships.